When expectations are not met

Hello dear blog. It's been months...I know. This time it's not about my frustrations on the girl I loved. Fast forward a few month, surprise, surprise, we are now a couple. 4 months and 2 days to be exact.

But still this entry is going around the same keyword: Frustration. Only this time it is a different type of frustration.

Ah, the joy of having someone dear beside you. I have to admit that the feel is really different. Mind you, this is the 1st time I've actually been in a relationship. So...this is how it feels like....or not.

A pair of lovers does not always paint a rosy picture. It has its good times and bad times. Sunny weather and stormy weather. It seems that I have stepped into the realm of relationship with an expectation. On how my girlfriend should be treating me. And yes, you're guessing it right. I expect something...only not to receive it and end up with disappointment.

I mean hey, I'm not foreveralone anymore, what is there to be complained about? Hell yes, too bad there is. I have been forewarned. I must not announce this relationship. That she is not suited to be a good lover. I may end up disappointed. Yeah, she told me all these. If I know it would be coming, why should there be an entry regarding "frustrations"?

Somehow this does not sound good.A prelude to a breakup? I hope it's not. And yet, I can't help being upset, frustrated, angry and disappointed. She does not respond in conversation. Okay. She is kinda selfish.. Okay....wait, am I really okay? Why do you have to treat me like that? And when I asked, you keep on saying it's your problem, not mine. When I probed further, you get more upset than me. And that seems to be the ultimatum. I have to pujuk you again despite being upset myself. Why must you do that everytime?

It can't be helped you're tactless too. You wont come to me unless I asked for it. You dont reply my kisses. You don't wanna go out somewhere exploring new places with me.

Am I being too demanding? Am I childish? Am I a control freak?
Sometimes I think I may need a helping hand.

Where's my place?

Where's my place, to her? Where do I stand? I'm totally clueless. IF anyone could enlighten me. This emotional roller coaster is really driving me up the wall. Am I an important person in her heart? Or am I being friendzoned without realizing it?

She was upset over a small matter (to me, it is) and because of that I myself felt hurt. But seeing that she was so upset for the 1st time, I tried to cheer her up, even though I myself is hurting. Offering to do this and that for her. And still, she's hurting me up to the last conversation. Am I a fucking doormat?

Oh, the agony, the ecstasy! How long am I able to keep doing this...

Masochism

I'm preparing for another round of heartbreak and heartache. Yeah. Come at me.

Heartbreaks after heartbreaks

I know I shouldn't be like this...but I just can't help it. This is not even a breakup or a relationship issues. It is just me. Me me me. Why do I have to be like this? She's just not interested in me, I knew it. I have been hurt so many times...maybe without her knowing.

I have never felt unhappy like this for so long. Waves and waves of blade making new cuts everytime...even though I have expected that to happen. But I just let myself getting hurt.

Am I insecure? Am I such a wimp? Unfortunately, even after reading advices from here and there, it seems that I have fallen into what they call "nice" guy category. I am allowing myself to put her on a pedestal...when I thought I was doing it right.

Should I just try and forget her and man up? Or should I just continue? And probably end up getting more heartbreaks? I am so inexperienced when it comes to this. I don't know whom should I seek for answers.

Is it not obvious enough or you're ever clueless?

The higher the expectations the worse the disappointment. Looks like I'll never learn.

Haiz. Who am I to expect so much from you? Who am I to be important enough for you to remember when you're happy with your family? Who am I to expect a gift from you when I remembered to buy you gifts?

I'm just a nobody. Reality dawned upon me like ocean waves crashing onto my face. One moment I was elated, one moment I was full of disappointment and depression.

To be falling for you when it seemed that you're treating me like a friend was really emotionally tough for me. Perhaps I was too emo. By writing this post already shows how emo I am.

I'm just a nobody.

Now should I back off or should I advance, Will I still stick to "better die trying than regretting"?

Mind reader

Ah...all these angsty feeling building up in me. Hoping for something that would never come. I wasn't sure for myself when I started to have feelings for you. Day by day, it grew stronger and stronger. At this moment, it is driving me crazy. I'm thinking of you all the time. Is it the same for you?

My "provisional diagnosis" kept changing everyday; "She has feelings for me", " no she doesn't, it is just a case of 'perasan' ". Felt like a lovesick puppy. For her, it doesn't seem to be the case though. I began to feel like I'm the one initiating every move. What happened to the beginning?

When I had my end of rotation, I'd even thought of lunching with you before heading out. Jokingly I said I wanted to ignore you and you've even chided me for saying that. When it was your turn, you left just like that. Silent. How silly of me to keep checking my facebook and my phone....hoping for a response from you. Perhaps I was being too selfish; I told myself that she's got to have her own time and not spending it on me all the time. This feeling of insecurity is driving me nuts.

What will happen in the next few days? Should I remain silent or should I just disturb u again?