The punching bag

Yes...my place to go when there is nobody else. This blog. For the fucking 9th year running.

I am forever at the bottom of the foodchain. Youngest among the siblings. The bastard child. One of the most bullied in school. Forever the houseman at work. And yes, even as a husband.

Had to endure superiors at work. Some younger than me. At home have to endure her. Oh no, I am supposed to shut the fuck up whenever she's angry...if not will trigger her more...I see. If I explode? Oh that's it, I'm going back to the in laws. All the threats using gender, emotions and tears. Nampak tak permainan dia?

I have been thinking...one fine day, the last straw will break. Should I just let go and stop saving the relationship? Is that why these husbands stops responding, stop fighting and just gets the fuck out of sight for an inner peace?

I really should contemplate..slowly..agonizingly..but ultimately for my own happiness...
Maybe living alone is not so bad after all...

Freedom. Everthing about it.

I am currently in a situation where I do not have freedom at all. At work, there are spies everywhere threatening to expose you for their own gain (Yes that's you Sat-tian and etc).

I am also staying in a country where I have no freedom to say my mind, unless I want to be hauled up into a Black Maria and interrogated.

You know what's worse? Even as a husband I have lost my freedom to meet friends, freedom to say whatever in my mind without considering my wife's feelings. Yes this is the worst. So I had to endure being shouted at. If I lose cool I'll be branded as a violent wife-beater.

Fuck my life.

I'll just play with my Freedom Gundam then.

Family ties: keeping in touch and reciprocation

Dad, do you still remember what you told me when I was small? "Your sisters will be there for you. They will help you next time when you are in difficulty. You can stay at their place." Boy, am I glad to be reassured. I've always felt different...like a bastard child. I'm literally one. I've always the brother ....from another mother.

Then came my undergraduate studies. That was when things started to get ugly. Remember what your daughter said to your face? "That house is not yours to decide whether your son can stay!" You were heartbroken. Disappointed. That realization of the hard truth.

Then came your death. That was the last straw. The ties between me and your daughters .... Went into limbo. Typical outcome for a complicated Chinese family. The truth. The hatred. It all came out.

I buried my head into a hole. Like an ostrich. Chose to ignore and live my life as a loner. Dedicated to me myself and I. I tried my maintain the ties with some of them. Then the painful reminder....of your death, and your will. That same old sentence....of me not trying to keep in touch.

I did not want to seem like a parasite.i do not want to be dependent on all of them. Anymore. I admit that I'm half-hearted when it comes to keeping in touch. Coz there is this barrier I tried to overcome. But wait. Why only me? Why am I the only one have to keep in touch and wait for them to reciprocate? Why not the other way round?

I'm glad that I am recognized as their brother. I'm thankful for all their help when I encountered my first crisis as a young adult. I've always appreciated that. But somehow....deep inside, they are not the same. I know it. I believe they knew it too.

Dad, your son is getting married soon. I've been trying to attempt to talk to them. Maybe it was a bit late. There is no one to blame but me....really? Will the outcome be the same if I announced earlier? Somehow I think it'll be the same....in the end. So now....it's going to be me alone....again. None are attending. My wishes and angpau will be there for you. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

When expectations are not met

Hello dear blog. It's been months...I know. This time it's not about my frustrations on the girl I loved. Fast forward a few month, surprise, surprise, we are now a couple. 4 months and 2 days to be exact.

But still this entry is going around the same keyword: Frustration. Only this time it is a different type of frustration.

Ah, the joy of having someone dear beside you. I have to admit that the feel is really different. Mind you, this is the 1st time I've actually been in a relationship. So...this is how it feels like....or not.

A pair of lovers does not always paint a rosy picture. It has its good times and bad times. Sunny weather and stormy weather. It seems that I have stepped into the realm of relationship with an expectation. On how my girlfriend should be treating me. And yes, you're guessing it right. I expect something...only not to receive it and end up with disappointment.

I mean hey, I'm not foreveralone anymore, what is there to be complained about? Hell yes, too bad there is. I have been forewarned. I must not announce this relationship. That she is not suited to be a good lover. I may end up disappointed. Yeah, she told me all these. If I know it would be coming, why should there be an entry regarding "frustrations"?

Somehow this does not sound good.A prelude to a breakup? I hope it's not. And yet, I can't help being upset, frustrated, angry and disappointed. She does not respond in conversation. Okay. She is kinda selfish.. Okay....wait, am I really okay? Why do you have to treat me like that? And when I asked, you keep on saying it's your problem, not mine. When I probed further, you get more upset than me. And that seems to be the ultimatum. I have to pujuk you again despite being upset myself. Why must you do that everytime?

It can't be helped you're tactless too. You wont come to me unless I asked for it. You dont reply my kisses. You don't wanna go out somewhere exploring new places with me.

Am I being too demanding? Am I childish? Am I a control freak?
Sometimes I think I may need a helping hand.

Where's my place?

Where's my place, to her? Where do I stand? I'm totally clueless. IF anyone could enlighten me. This emotional roller coaster is really driving me up the wall. Am I an important person in her heart? Or am I being friendzoned without realizing it?

She was upset over a small matter (to me, it is) and because of that I myself felt hurt. But seeing that she was so upset for the 1st time, I tried to cheer her up, even though I myself is hurting. Offering to do this and that for her. And still, she's hurting me up to the last conversation. Am I a fucking doormat?

Oh, the agony, the ecstasy! How long am I able to keep doing this...

Masochism

I'm preparing for another round of heartbreak and heartache. Yeah. Come at me.

Heartbreaks after heartbreaks

I know I shouldn't be like this...but I just can't help it. This is not even a breakup or a relationship issues. It is just me. Me me me. Why do I have to be like this? She's just not interested in me, I knew it. I have been hurt so many times...maybe without her knowing.

I have never felt unhappy like this for so long. Waves and waves of blade making new cuts everytime...even though I have expected that to happen. But I just let myself getting hurt.

Am I insecure? Am I such a wimp? Unfortunately, even after reading advices from here and there, it seems that I have fallen into what they call "nice" guy category. I am allowing myself to put her on a pedestal...when I thought I was doing it right.

Should I just try and forget her and man up? Or should I just continue? And probably end up getting more heartbreaks? I am so inexperienced when it comes to this. I don't know whom should I seek for answers.