Heartbreaks after heartbreaks

I know I shouldn't be like this...but I just can't help it. This is not even a breakup or a relationship issues. It is just me. Me me me. Why do I have to be like this? She's just not interested in me, I knew it. I have been hurt so many times...maybe without her knowing.

I have never felt unhappy like this for so long. Waves and waves of blade making new cuts everytime...even though I have expected that to happen. But I just let myself getting hurt.

Am I insecure? Am I such a wimp? Unfortunately, even after reading advices from here and there, it seems that I have fallen into what they call "nice" guy category. I am allowing myself to put her on a pedestal...when I thought I was doing it right.

Should I just try and forget her and man up? Or should I just continue? And probably end up getting more heartbreaks? I am so inexperienced when it comes to this. I don't know whom should I seek for answers.

Is it not obvious enough or you're ever clueless?

The higher the expectations the worse the disappointment. Looks like I'll never learn.

Haiz. Who am I to expect so much from you? Who am I to be important enough for you to remember when you're happy with your family? Who am I to expect a gift from you when I remembered to buy you gifts?

I'm just a nobody. Reality dawned upon me like ocean waves crashing onto my face. One moment I was elated, one moment I was full of disappointment and depression.

To be falling for you when it seemed that you're treating me like a friend was really emotionally tough for me. Perhaps I was too emo. By writing this post already shows how emo I am.

I'm just a nobody.

Now should I back off or should I advance, Will I still stick to "better die trying than regretting"?

Mind reader

Ah...all these angsty feeling building up in me. Hoping for something that would never come. I wasn't sure for myself when I started to have feelings for you. Day by day, it grew stronger and stronger. At this moment, it is driving me crazy. I'm thinking of you all the time. Is it the same for you?

My "provisional diagnosis" kept changing everyday; "She has feelings for me", " no she doesn't, it is just a case of 'perasan' ". Felt like a lovesick puppy. For her, it doesn't seem to be the case though. I began to feel like I'm the one initiating every move. What happened to the beginning?

When I had my end of rotation, I'd even thought of lunching with you before heading out. Jokingly I said I wanted to ignore you and you've even chided me for saying that. When it was your turn, you left just like that. Silent. How silly of me to keep checking my facebook and my phone....hoping for a response from you. Perhaps I was being too selfish; I told myself that she's got to have her own time and not spending it on me all the time. This feeling of insecurity is driving me nuts.

What will happen in the next few days? Should I remain silent or should I just disturb u again?